Be Yourself

There is nothing greater than being yourself, all yourself. You shouldn't have to change for anyone, you are better than that. I had to learn so much about myself through the last 7yrs or so, nothing is easy. You have to work hard for the things that will benefit you at the end, I mean if you want a nice home and a two car garage you have to work hard to get it. It's not an easy road, sacrifice and discernment in your faith is key. I am so thankful I am where I am now, where I was before was a place of fighting for acceptance. A man does not do that for you at all.

The Lesser of me

My memory was good today, although the first thing in the morning Steve comes into my mind. My mind needs to take a dump and get torn apart then pieced together again, maybe, then maybe I will awake really refreshed. In the meantime it is a daily task to thinking properly, I use to pray every day to Jesus to clear my mind of thoughts. It worked for me and then I stopped again, it’s pretty frustrating when you start a habit and then stop completely. My problem is to keep on task on stuff I promised myself. “Tasks” what a concept, what a huge concept, it’s a word that hurts my brain. That and “organization”, oh yes I have another blog on this issue of my life, it may go hand in hand together. Never know, there may be a solution to the dilemma of this old bird’s crazy useless brain of hers. But this is good, I have an outlet to my thoughts and to my problem, which is a guy, an old mustered up old, old, old guy. I have to write these things down in order to convince myself there is nothing special about this man, except that God loves him as just as much as He loves me. I have to convince myself this man is nothing to me, these thoughts will eventually go away and in time Steve will stop thinking of me. If he could only stop thinking of me then I will be able to carry on in my life instead of having these minuet moments of thoughts in my mind. It’s funny though, the thoughts that occur in my mind are the negative things about him. It’s the things of how he treated me, there is no sexual thoughts of him. Sometimes there are the moments where I think of moments of just us, him holding me in his arms and me rubbing his big fat belly of his. Those were nice moments, but it is what it is, and now I have to channel myself to ignoring and displacing myself from those thoughts. I know there were loves in my life whom I’ve loved so deeply and when it didn’t work out I was dreary about it, I was depressed about it. In the end I was accomplished in letting go, finally letting go. But it was letting go when another man who stepped in, it was then where my thought pattern were no longer about the one who I use to love so deeply. It’s tough to forget the one you loved so deeply, it’s a difficult task to wipe memories away, and start all over again. When my ex-husband left me I was in total disarray, I did not function well at all. Depression set in and I was a total mess with myself, because I loved him so much, how was to carry on with life again? I ended up drinking heavily and not eating at all, drinking tons of water during the day and at night drink myself drunk in tears. I dropped down to a whopping 135lbs. when before I weighed in at a weight of 165lbs. People who he worked with at the time thought I was doing meth or crank. I remembered his boss’s wife came up to me sat beside me at the bar and whispered in my ear, “Are you on crank?” As I sat my beer down on the bar, I looked at her gently and said, “No sweetie, I am not, I am just not eating and I am depressed.” Whether she believed me or not, I didn’t care. Of course whenever I saw my ex he would look at me like I was on meth. He’d ask me, “What happened to you? Why have you lost so much weight?” I’d look at him and say, “I’m depressed, I don’t eat.” He just didn’t get what he did to me, he just didn’t understand what I was going through, he judged me by the way I looked and rumors were that I was a meth whore. Yeah it was really crazy at the time, I remembered it as clear as day, to this day I still remember the events that occurred. Then I met my daughters’ dad, he was the one who broke the broken heart I had from my ex-husband, he was the one who I fell desperately and utterly in love with. This love of mine I had for him was hurtful as well, I think now it was because I was so lonely and so desperate for a romance, a romance of passion and sacrifice from a man to fight for me. When this didn’t happened from him, I was very disappointed with the fact that he was a coward. He was a coward, he didn’t fight for his daughter and he didn’t fight for us. So I left, and went back the Navajo Indian reservation, and there it was 7yrs passed I was still in love with this guy and I could not get over him at all. I thought of him on a daily basis, I never lost the thoughts of him at all. I dreamed of him to come and find us and fight for us, but he never did. He just stayed where he was and he was possibly happy who knows, but it wasn’t until I met other men then dated them in Durango, CO and got on dating sites to meet more. This is where I met Steve, on a dating site called POF, which means Plenty of Fish! At the time we lived with my sister in the same trailer park, before we met on POF I had seen him living next door from us and I thought he was a handsome old guy. I was already intrigued with him, I was already scoping him out and asking my sister about her neighbor. Yea I was a goof ball, but it was what it was, I was a woman in search of true love. I didn’t want to wait anymore I just wanted a man to want me. When we first met, he sought me out, he was the one who made the initial contact, and I was at work at the time when I first got his message. When we started to message one another we realized we lived just a couple of steps away from each other. It was comical on how that whole thing worked out, I thought it was cute. Anyway we met that night outside his place and at the time he was living with his daughter and her husband along with his son. It was a tough time in his life, he was just getting things together in the lowest part of his life. He bought me beer that night, which I requested Newcastle beer. We sat outside on his son-in-law’s tail gate of his truck. We chatted and we laughed and we eventually made out that night. It was a full moon and it was so romantic, I remembered his eyes and his kiss, I remembered how it felt in his arms that night. It was so nice to be close to a man, an older man. At that moment I was no longer thinking of the man who I was deeply in love with anymore. I was about to embark on another love that would take the place of a hurtful heart carried for many years and a love built for this moment. Then again I was doomed as well, this thing called love is not the expectations of true love, and I chose the wrong man to love. Once again I was in the hands of a cowardly man at that, another man without the courage to tell me he didn’t love me until it was too late. Now I am carrying again this torment of an ugly man with an ugly heart with me, why do we do this to ourselves? 

Back to the Common Things... Like Thoughts

So lately I have had so many thoughts of Steve again, now and then his obscene face would just appear in my mind. Yeah this is the life of a mind that is out of control over this 50 something year old man. Oh the year passed since I have left Durango has been interesting, I graduated Fort Lewis College and I am now an Alumni 2015! Yeah baby, pretty proud of my long accomplishments. Now I am here in a place just North of Durango called Grand Junction, CO, I chose this place because I have always liked it here. I was raised in Moab, UT and on weekends my parents would travel to Grand Junction, CO for yard sales and for us kids it was McDonalds! Yes in that day and age there was no McDonalds near us, we were in Moab. There were only mom and pop café’s that served home cooked real food but for us kids we preferred the not so real food like McDonalds. Anyway it was a real treat to travel each weekend to Grand Junction, CO and just drive around and search for yard sales and look into thrift stores. So in any case I chose Grand Junction to be our new home, our first pit stop was at my dad’s house in Moab but I got too ansy in the pantsy. So we moved here instead, my children are attending school here and I am working in a place that is not to my degree, but in any case I love my job. I work at a dry cleaning and laundry facility and I do lots of stuff in the work place and I am really learning about people’s needs. Things such as helping the ones who can’t help themselves and also learning from people from all walks of life. For instance, this laundry facility is like a bar they come in and they wash their clothes laundry attendant asks how they are doing and then BOOM! They tell their story, the story of complications they are dealing with and the story of success and triumph. It’s a great place to learn the skills of compassion and empathy, as well as knowing whose blowing smoke up your ass. Yes there are people who do that, it’s inevitable, it never ceases in this world to meet people who will take you for a ride. Beware of the ware rabbits they are out there. There are miserable people and then there are happy people, I prefer them all. I like the people who come in and see us, the people who wash their clothes and those who want their clothes washed. I have to say I have been asked out on dates from time to time and they have not worked out at all. Of course they were customers and now they no longer come to the establishment again. Funny how things like rejection changes a person to no longer come back. It’s awkward, it’s uncomfortable to be around or see someone who is interested in you, but you yourself has no interest at all. Yes I have not found Mister right at all, not here and not anywhere. I do know this, my mind has not given up on thoughts of Steve. That is my crutch, I seem to be lacking the thing that separates me from the memory of Steve. Maybe I’m using him as an excuse to not be in a relationship or be in an intimate one. All I know is that day after day, after day after day he pops up in my mind. You know what they say when someone pops up in your memory they are thinking of you, I wonder if it’s because he is always thinking of me. My kids, even my kids bring him up from time to time. I really have to get a new brain, a new functioning brain that thinks new again. Right now I am not in the position of being in a relationship, sadly I am still hurt in the way Steve has treated me. I do not want to do that to myself again, even his family has seen the way he has treated me. They tell me what they see from the outside looking in and this has sort of affected me. Even his current girlfriend who really dislikes me has messaged me things about him and of me. I guess I could save this for another time, it’s a thing I have to unfold to keep my mind in check. I am never in check, I always make myself sad with thoughts and then I seem to get out of it at the same time. Since we have moved here it has been difficult to get back to myself again, we are still trying to settle down here in Grand Junction. Moving can be a trying thing in a life, it either fits or you either have to make it fit, I am in a position where I have to make it fit for my kids. I lack in all terms discipline, I am really not responsible in my short life. I haven’t gotten it all together and I feel sort of lost, my thoughts on a daily basis runs away with me. It’s frustrating to live with a mind that thinks garbage like Steve. I am dealing with it, it seems to help on writing about it, and someday it will get back to him on the various writings of him. And that’s ok, meantime I will just write to my heart’s content on the subject matter. Its good therapy besides running is concerned, I love running and I really love hiking, this is the area I am in tuned with. However my weight gain is a struggle each day, I was eating clean and now I am eating garbage. But I am still running and trying to do 5k and 10k runs as much as possible. For instance this month I am going to run my first 10k run! Yes, a 10k run for me it is going to be at the Needles looking at scenery consisting of the Newspaper Rock. In my whole life being raised in Moab, UT have I ever seen the Newspaper Rock, but this month I am going to enjoy the time running through the scenery of the area. My training time is not that great but I continue to run as much as possible. Here where we live it is close to the Colorado National Monument and it has been so beautiful to see the beauty of the land. There are plenty of mountain bike riders and hikers galore, it’s not that hot here and the heat is comfortable for me. When we first got here it was unbearable but as time passes it has been good. I believe once my body is completely use to this area I am going to be back to myself old again. My dreams of getting my Master’s degree is not far from my mind and it will happen in time, I just have to get this garbage thoughts out of my mind and back where it needs to be. This is good for me, it’s a step in the right direction for me to conquer the past into a fresh future. Telling my story is the best therapy, it may make me sound like a goof ball and maybe crazy but it is essential for me to keep writing it all out. Steve is just the first thing that has to go, completely. New mind and a new memory to be accomplished! 

Each Day At Best

This morning was a very beautiful morning! I love Sundays, I love worshipping at my church it’s the only time I look forward to every week. We were given the message pertaining to the Book of Hebrews continuing on the subject on faith. There were some great points that needed to be brought forth to me. Faith is a word of stepping forward in a place that is uncomfortable and restless. For me it can be uncomfortable and distrustful, but God is continually working on me concerning faith. This morning I also made the commitment to carry on with Nasserite vow, the church had a communion and I didn’t do the communion for reasons of this vow. I prayed to God to draw me closer to Him through the decision I made, and in my heart I believe He will do what He will with me. I’m ready to take this journey with the Lord, I need to do this, and I am called to do so. I am not sure what the Lord has in store for my kids and I but it’s going to glorify Him in everything I do. Today is a good day, maybe tomorrow won’t be so great, but at least I have this day to enjoy the presence of my God. One more thing of this morning that defined my spirituality was the Beth Moore Bible study. The ladies in the study were so encouraged to really dive into our study for this season. I plan to, I want to really get into the Word of God and get restored. I believe this is my year to be so close to God it’s going to be something I’ll never lose from Him anymore. My lil family and I are gonna be so set for life, I can see the future for us. I have always seen the future for us, a home that we’ve always wanted, at least I dreamed of my kids to have each their own room. Me… well I’d have my own big room with my own king size bed with lots of soft pillows. With a big window looking out to a majestic view looking toward a lovely scene of wilderness and art. The art of Gods masterpiece would be the ultimate view. Oh yes, it’s going to be a lovely home life we will have together, and of course I will finally have the job of my dreams. Anyway, it’s my heart’s desire that I give to the Lord every time I dream of our future which is every day. Tomorrow is the first day of classes at the Fort Lewis College, I am so excited to start my classes. I am ready to get this semester over with and work toward receiving my degree. When all is said and done May will be here and I will finally walk to get my degree! How exciting, I have waited all my life it seems working toward this moment to happen. What a great adventure to get to this point of my life, I can’t help to feel this excitement for my work. My kids are excited too, they have witnessed me graduation day to get my degree and again they get to witness me again to get another degree. It’s the only thing that really gets my mind out of the gutter of thoughts and trash of someone I use to love. I am strong enough to get on and leaving everything behind me… finally. I am so relieved that I can look out and if I happen to see that ugly trailer I use to sleep in and live in from time to time and not be bothered. It’s each day that is healing me, the Lord is so good to me, to give me strength, to take all the thoughts and take them. I give the thoughts of bitterness and anger to Him, I place it at His alter and He takes it. It’s a relief when He takes it, because who knows how He is going to handle it for me. It’s way better than what I would do, my ways are little compare to the Lords. Needless to say I am satisfied with this day Denver Broncos lost today and the Colts won. My ex and his family are Bronco fans, so I’m pretty happy about the outcome of how the game went. I know tomorrow is going to be a good day because every day is Gods day

Reminiscing on stuff

Oh what a day of unexpected events, my son is eleven today! We ended up going sledding at the mountain and being with my kids, Payton’s friend came to join us. We also had my brothers kids come along with us too, it was a fun filled day. The passes were so pretty going toward Silverton, CO. I was thinking of renting out snow shoes at the college for this coming weekend or any other weekend after church. There were a lot of people at the mountain just enjoying family, enjoying one another in the cold weather of the mountain. I think if I start to be active in outdoor recreation here around Durango, I think I will be much better in mind and in soul. I want to be where Gods country is, I want to be out where the wilderness is and commune with the Lord. When we passed by up toward the Coal Bank Pass I was reminiscing of the time Steve and I went hunting. I loved that he took me hunting, we hiked and he showed me areas of where elk roam and how they live day by day. He is so interesting to listen to when he talks about hunting and his knowledge of the wilderness. I loved how he did his bugle calls and the sounds of his whispers in the woods. The last hunt we took was so fun, we ended up doing a quickie in the woods. It was the most fun filled moment of the hunt, I loved it, and most memorable. I wanted to do more hunts like that. But that will never happen with him again. You never know, I might have a relationship that will have moments such as what we had. I love taking chances in the open and enjoying the spontaneous feeling of naughtiness. I tell ya what I don’t claim no perfection in who I am, I fall short every day. I can’t help it, I am human being, and I love the fruits of certain sins and that is one of them. However, I love that country and I hope one day I will take hunting trips again with the one that I love. One that I will love the rest of my life and till the end, the one and only true love God will give me while I am still on this earth. Sometimes I miss Steve, I miss the way he looks at me with his piercing eyes, I miss the way he touches me on my body. I miss how I use to love him, how I’d just hug him and love him with kisses. Those are the moments I miss, but he never loved me back like that, never really adored me the way I should have been adored. I did things to him that he yearned for every day, sometimes I wish I could have just did them every night for him. Just because I truly loved him. Oh well, that’s what having a broken heart is all about, you have to let go of all the memories whether they were sincere or not. Sometimes I think that in our relationship he was sick of me, sick of the sex we had, maybe I started to get worn out for his interest. Who knows, I just need to get over it, if I could get into his mind I think I’d be very troubled. It probably tarnish my mind to where it would be ruined. I think I will reconsider on that thought. Those were my thoughts on my mind today, it’s funny how memories come up during a trip, during a family outing, to end up reminiscing of naughty times you had with your ex.

Compassion

It’s January 10, 2015 my son is 11 yrs old today, wow I am in awe with the fact that he is growing up so fast! Last night was a good night we went skating, and I got my exercise just skating and skating. It was fun! My brother and his beautiful family came to join us and gave Payton some gifts, something that my son loves is Legos. He’s so cute, he’s getting older in age and Legos are still his forte. Well I’m glad he hasn’t lost that, I think everyone should always be a kid at heart. That’s what makes you look younger, and not smoking and drinking helps too. This past week I followed through with compassion for someone in church and everyone who is going through cancer. Lately this has been something that’s been laid on my heart. I donated my hair and I also shaved my head bald in support for a friend of mine. This gal attends church with her beautiful family, her kids are about the same age as mine, and every Sunday I sit in the balcony and look down on her and her family. It’s always at that moment that my heart is moved with utter compassion and great love for her. I remember when God moved me, it was when Pastor Jeff announced Trish’s Cancer. I scoped her out, thank God she was there and me too! Because I don’t think that Sunday I was going to show up. But I did, I was in prayer for her as all the others in church were and God gave me the thought. I have talked about shaving my head throughout the year and donating my hair again, but at the time I think I told my boyfriend this thought. But he wasn’t for it, so I left it alone. Anyway, the thought came up again, this time it was a strong movement from God, and I knew it. I was filled with love, and I later signed up for prayer and fasting for this pretty lady. Her appearance was of a thin lady with no hair, always wearing a beanie hat, but her face is like an angel. Always so sweet, so beautiful with smiles, like nothing is bothering her. That’s when it hit me, I have to do this for her, I can’t explain it but it has to be done. Well, after service I went up to her and told her what had happened, I told her I had this thought in my mind and in heart that I have to shave my head to support her. She welted up in tears, I was in tears too. It was a comfort from both of us from God. The feeling was just too miraculous to ignore, I mean when two people can feel Gods presence of comfort, it’s amazing. Since then the thought had been pondering, and I did tell her I’d be praying about it. I did, and every Sunday God made sure to have Trish in my sight to remind me that I need to do this. Soon my day of fasting and prayer had arrived and that was the day I had to make my appointment to get this done. But I had to have the right person to do this for me. I needed someone who is in the same faith as me, someone who attends the same church as me, if possible. I needed to have someone to pray with me on the quest that was before me. God put it all together for everything to take place. I made an appointment and soon met with the hair stylist. She was so sweet and so kind, Gods kingdom did come on that day. We prayed together, He spoke to her to attend church again and assured her she was loved. It was amazing how God works, I know that the Lord is still working out things for my kids and I. There is no doubt that He is continually working out everything to benefit Him, His glory is going to shine through us. The Lord is healing my heart through this, I remembered I prayed a prayer to Him about me. I asked and I believe I begged Him on this subject, I told Him and asked Him to use me. Use me in a way that will glorify Him, something that will honor to Him. He did. God answered my prayers, I am being used to comfort those who are sick, who need love, and also need comfort. Illnesses cannot be done alone, they need someone there to lean on. I want to be the one they can lean on, for prayer, for comfort, and for understanding. I often had thoughts of singing for the elderly who are alone in a nursing home. I’d like to do that one day, do something for them, whether it be through music or just being there to love them with hugs and just listen to them. Maybe do some needle work with them, walk with them and just be there for them. Hold their gentle hand for comfort, it’s the little things that make a difference in people’s lives. The comfort of a human being is worth more than a billion dollars in the bank. The compassion of one person can mean more than anything they will ever know. I wish we could all do that for everyone, even to the ones we are afraid of. If we look at people who tame a wild horse and break them, they break them with compassion and the unwillingness to give up on them. At the end the horse is comforted and it trusts the one who broke them, if we could do that for one another, oh what a wonderful world this would be. But if I can give comfort to the weak, then the Lord can intercede and do the rest in either saving their soul or restore their spirit again. We serve a Mighty and True God, He will reveal Himself to those who believe and have faith.

Life and it's course

It's been an absolute time in this new year, kids are off to school and I am getting ready for classes on Monday. Life is going on as planned, unsurprisingly as always. Nothing seems to change even with the New Year, funny how you expect the New Year to ultimately and drastically change for the better. But no, the time we have just works as the last year that has past. I am in awe of how fast time just flies, it flies so fast, I mean my son is going to be eleven years old on Saturday. It's too fast, then, then! I am going to be 42 years old next month... It's amazing how life grows and flourishes with age. I feel pretty good about my age, I'm getting better each year that passes. Although things here in the trailer park are the same... the ex boyfriend is still there next door with his new life. I guess he's doing well, it sucks to notice certain things, it sucks to live next to a jerk who is a total asshole. Excuse my language... Sometimes I blurt out words that are inappropriate. And as you will see in my posts there are going to be not so nice words coming out of the not so perfect woman that I am. I can't help but to be bothered by the view from my window, I wish there was some way to remove my view to a better one. You know like a prettier one such as a majestic mountain. Anyway, I am looking forward to graduating from college this May. I just wished it was tomorrow. Thankfully the days go by fast and the things we look forward happens so quick, then it's gone again. It's true that we are but a wave in the ocean, a wisp in the wind, we must live each day with value and expectations. Today is going to be a good day, I am going to turn in in my letter to the financial aid office to try and get my assistance for this semester, and also hear from the housing authority on availability. I do hope there is housing for my children and I, I'd be so overjoyed on the news if it was Gods Will. If it was not, I'd be ok too... That just means I'd have to bear down on my thoughts and chain them up. Instead, work on the release of my mind concentrating on work and taking in lectures. Reading books and researching articles if there are going to be any this semester. Also this semester I am going to try to study for my GRE for graduate school in either in the fall of 2015 or spring 2016 at Purdue University. It's funny how things work toward something unexpected, such as when I broke up with my boyfriend back in October the Purdue University recruiters came to the college. Anyhow, I never thought I was good enough to attend graduate school, I thought for sure it would be just a bachelor's degree. Nope... God proved me wrong on that, He brought recruiters to get me! Yes, I even told them my GPA was not up to par at all, but that didn't stop them to consider me. That is one of my endeavors I have to work on this semester, to work on my letters of recommendations and research professors on research projects. I was looking into the area of interest of Health Sciences, it's perfect in the career of interests of environmental public health. I am interested in working in safety in construction, such as the oil industry, and coal mines if possible. For some reason I know everything is going to work out as planned, as God is going to make it. Sometime along the way, there is going to be a man in my life again. I see him in my sights, although I don't know him, I haven't a vision of clarity, but I know he's in my future. It's my childrens desire to have a father figure in their lives, and it's mine too. Sounds crazy? Maybe... But I have a dream, I know God sees the desires of my heart and by golly I am going to delight in Him who sees it. Today and tomorrow will be a great adventure, and I know that the next door ex will always be there, but at least I have my God, my Lord Who has me.