The Lesser of me

My memory was good today, although the first thing in the morning Steve comes into my mind. My mind needs to take a dump and get torn apart then pieced together again, maybe, then maybe I will awake really refreshed. In the meantime it is a daily task to thinking properly, I use to pray every day to Jesus to clear my mind of thoughts. It worked for me and then I stopped again, it’s pretty frustrating when you start a habit and then stop completely. My problem is to keep on task on stuff I promised myself. “Tasks” what a concept, what a huge concept, it’s a word that hurts my brain. That and “organization”, oh yes I have another blog on this issue of my life, it may go hand in hand together. Never know, there may be a solution to the dilemma of this old bird’s crazy useless brain of hers. But this is good, I have an outlet to my thoughts and to my problem, which is a guy, an old mustered up old, old, old guy. I have to write these things down in order to convince myself there is nothing special about this man, except that God loves him as just as much as He loves me. I have to convince myself this man is nothing to me, these thoughts will eventually go away and in time Steve will stop thinking of me. If he could only stop thinking of me then I will be able to carry on in my life instead of having these minuet moments of thoughts in my mind. It’s funny though, the thoughts that occur in my mind are the negative things about him. It’s the things of how he treated me, there is no sexual thoughts of him. Sometimes there are the moments where I think of moments of just us, him holding me in his arms and me rubbing his big fat belly of his. Those were nice moments, but it is what it is, and now I have to channel myself to ignoring and displacing myself from those thoughts. I know there were loves in my life whom I’ve loved so deeply and when it didn’t work out I was dreary about it, I was depressed about it. In the end I was accomplished in letting go, finally letting go. But it was letting go when another man who stepped in, it was then where my thought pattern were no longer about the one who I use to love so deeply. It’s tough to forget the one you loved so deeply, it’s a difficult task to wipe memories away, and start all over again. When my ex-husband left me I was in total disarray, I did not function well at all. Depression set in and I was a total mess with myself, because I loved him so much, how was to carry on with life again? I ended up drinking heavily and not eating at all, drinking tons of water during the day and at night drink myself drunk in tears. I dropped down to a whopping 135lbs. when before I weighed in at a weight of 165lbs. People who he worked with at the time thought I was doing meth or crank. I remembered his boss’s wife came up to me sat beside me at the bar and whispered in my ear, “Are you on crank?” As I sat my beer down on the bar, I looked at her gently and said, “No sweetie, I am not, I am just not eating and I am depressed.” Whether she believed me or not, I didn’t care. Of course whenever I saw my ex he would look at me like I was on meth. He’d ask me, “What happened to you? Why have you lost so much weight?” I’d look at him and say, “I’m depressed, I don’t eat.” He just didn’t get what he did to me, he just didn’t understand what I was going through, he judged me by the way I looked and rumors were that I was a meth whore. Yeah it was really crazy at the time, I remembered it as clear as day, to this day I still remember the events that occurred. Then I met my daughters’ dad, he was the one who broke the broken heart I had from my ex-husband, he was the one who I fell desperately and utterly in love with. This love of mine I had for him was hurtful as well, I think now it was because I was so lonely and so desperate for a romance, a romance of passion and sacrifice from a man to fight for me. When this didn’t happened from him, I was very disappointed with the fact that he was a coward. He was a coward, he didn’t fight for his daughter and he didn’t fight for us. So I left, and went back the Navajo Indian reservation, and there it was 7yrs passed I was still in love with this guy and I could not get over him at all. I thought of him on a daily basis, I never lost the thoughts of him at all. I dreamed of him to come and find us and fight for us, but he never did. He just stayed where he was and he was possibly happy who knows, but it wasn’t until I met other men then dated them in Durango, CO and got on dating sites to meet more. This is where I met Steve, on a dating site called POF, which means Plenty of Fish! At the time we lived with my sister in the same trailer park, before we met on POF I had seen him living next door from us and I thought he was a handsome old guy. I was already intrigued with him, I was already scoping him out and asking my sister about her neighbor. Yea I was a goof ball, but it was what it was, I was a woman in search of true love. I didn’t want to wait anymore I just wanted a man to want me. When we first met, he sought me out, he was the one who made the initial contact, and I was at work at the time when I first got his message. When we started to message one another we realized we lived just a couple of steps away from each other. It was comical on how that whole thing worked out, I thought it was cute. Anyway we met that night outside his place and at the time he was living with his daughter and her husband along with his son. It was a tough time in his life, he was just getting things together in the lowest part of his life. He bought me beer that night, which I requested Newcastle beer. We sat outside on his son-in-law’s tail gate of his truck. We chatted and we laughed and we eventually made out that night. It was a full moon and it was so romantic, I remembered his eyes and his kiss, I remembered how it felt in his arms that night. It was so nice to be close to a man, an older man. At that moment I was no longer thinking of the man who I was deeply in love with anymore. I was about to embark on another love that would take the place of a hurtful heart carried for many years and a love built for this moment. Then again I was doomed as well, this thing called love is not the expectations of true love, and I chose the wrong man to love. Once again I was in the hands of a cowardly man at that, another man without the courage to tell me he didn’t love me until it was too late. Now I am carrying again this torment of an ugly man with an ugly heart with me, why do we do this to ourselves?