So lately I have had so many
thoughts of Steve again, now and then his obscene face would just appear in my
mind. Yeah this is the life of a mind that is out of control over this 50
something year old man. Oh the year passed since I have left Durango has been
interesting, I graduated Fort Lewis College and I am now an Alumni 2015! Yeah
baby, pretty proud of my long accomplishments. Now I am here in a place just
North of Durango called Grand Junction, CO, I chose this place because I have
always liked it here. I was raised in Moab, UT and on weekends my parents would
travel to Grand Junction, CO for yard sales and for us kids it was McDonalds! Yes
in that day and age there was no McDonalds near us, we were in Moab. There were
only mom and pop café’s that served home cooked real food but for us kids we
preferred the not so real food like McDonalds. Anyway it was a real treat to
travel each weekend to Grand Junction, CO and just drive around and search for yard
sales and look into thrift stores. So in any case I chose Grand Junction to be
our new home, our first pit stop was at my dad’s house in Moab but I got too
ansy in the pantsy. So we moved here instead, my children are attending school
here and I am working in a place that is not to my degree, but in any case I love
my job. I work at a dry cleaning and laundry facility and I do lots of stuff in
the work place and I am really learning about people’s needs. Things such as
helping the ones who can’t help themselves and also learning from people from
all walks of life. For instance, this laundry facility is like a bar they come
in and they wash their clothes laundry attendant asks how they are doing and
then BOOM! They tell their story, the story of complications they are dealing with
and the story of success and triumph. It’s a great place to learn the skills of
compassion and empathy, as well as knowing whose blowing smoke up your ass. Yes
there are people who do that, it’s inevitable, it never ceases in this world to
meet people who will take you for a ride. Beware of the ware rabbits they are
out there. There are miserable people and then there are happy people, I prefer
them all. I like the people who come in and see us, the people who wash their
clothes and those who want their clothes washed. I have to say I have been
asked out on dates from time to time and they have not worked out at all. Of course
they were customers and now they no longer come to the establishment again. Funny
how things like rejection changes a person to no longer come back. It’s awkward,
it’s uncomfortable to be around or see someone who is interested in you, but
you yourself has no interest at all. Yes I have not found Mister right at all,
not here and not anywhere. I do know this, my mind has not given up on thoughts
of Steve. That is my crutch, I seem to be lacking the thing that separates me
from the memory of Steve. Maybe I’m using him as an excuse to not be in a
relationship or be in an intimate one. All I know is that day after day, after
day after day he pops up in my mind. You know what they say when someone pops
up in your memory they are thinking of you, I wonder if it’s because he is
always thinking of me. My kids, even my kids bring him up from time to time. I
really have to get a new brain, a new functioning brain that thinks new again. Right
now I am not in the position of being in a relationship, sadly I am still hurt
in the way Steve has treated me. I do not want to do that to myself again, even
his family has seen the way he has treated me. They tell me what they see from
the outside looking in and this has sort of affected me. Even his current
girlfriend who really dislikes me has messaged me things about him and of me. I
guess I could save this for another time, it’s a thing I have to unfold to keep
my mind in check. I am never in check, I always make myself sad with thoughts
and then I seem to get out of it at the same time. Since we have moved here it
has been difficult to get back to myself again, we are still trying to settle
down here in Grand Junction. Moving can be a trying thing in a life, it either
fits or you either have to make it fit, I am in a position where I have to make
it fit for my kids. I lack in all terms discipline, I am really not responsible
in my short life. I haven’t gotten it all together and I feel sort of lost, my
thoughts on a daily basis runs away with me. It’s frustrating to live with a
mind that thinks garbage like Steve. I am dealing with it, it seems to help on
writing about it, and someday it will get back to him on the various writings
of him. And that’s ok, meantime I will just write to my heart’s content on the
subject matter. Its good therapy besides running is concerned, I love running
and I really love hiking, this is the area I am in tuned with. However my weight
gain is a struggle each day, I was eating clean and now I am eating garbage. But
I am still running and trying to do 5k and 10k runs as much as possible. For instance
this month I am going to run my first 10k run! Yes, a 10k run for me it is
going to be at the Needles looking at scenery consisting of the Newspaper Rock.
In my whole life being raised in Moab, UT have I ever seen the Newspaper Rock,
but this month I am going to enjoy the time running through the scenery of the
area. My training time is not that great but I continue to run as much as
possible. Here where we live it is close to the Colorado National Monument and
it has been so beautiful to see the beauty of the land. There are plenty of
mountain bike riders and hikers galore, it’s not that hot here and the heat is
comfortable for me. When we first got here it was unbearable but as time passes
it has been good. I believe once my body is completely use to this area I am
going to be back to myself old again. My dreams of getting my Master’s degree
is not far from my mind and it will happen in time, I just have to get this garbage
thoughts out of my mind and back where it needs to be. This is good for me, it’s
a step in the right direction for me to conquer the past into a fresh future. Telling
my story is the best therapy, it may make me sound like a goof ball and maybe
crazy but it is essential for me to keep writing it all out. Steve is just the
first thing that has to go, completely. New mind and a new memory to be
accomplished!
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