My Rant, My Rave...

This is day two of my new year in 2015, I am not sure what the new year holds. But I know there has to be good things, there has to be great things in store, it has to better than last year. Last year was good, there were unexpected things that hit me like a ton of bricks. But thank God it happened at the end of the year, because the New Year was just around the corner. Right now there are thoughts, since my break up with my ex boyfriend in October my mind has been such a battlefield. I never knew that the battle within your mind can really make you miserable. I fight with thoughts day after day, and sometimes I cry, sometimes I scream while I drive down the road in my car. I'm a single mother of two and I am 41 years old attending college, and I am about to graduate with my bachelors degree in May 2015. I should be happy and ecstatic about my accomplishments, I am. The thing is with this break up is that we are neighbors... really sucks. When we first met, we met online through a website called Plenty O Fish (POF). At the time I didn't think anything of it at all, but we gradually hit it off, and it was great. At least I thought it was great, we were next door to one another and it seemed perfect. All to me seemed okay, but there was something missing that I was seeking in a man, like a return in attention, return in love, return in shouting out to the world that I was the one. He was not that kind of man I wanted, he was not a hopeless romantic, no compassion at all, he hated it when I cried, and he didn't like taking pictures with me. He just didn't fight for me enough, I like it when a man fights for me, if he really wants me in his life, he'll fight for me. What woman doesn't want that? A knight in shining armor, a man in moon kind of love. I fought a bit for him, but not at the end when we broke up and I wanted him back again. I missed him so much, and it's hard when you live next door to someone you love. After little over a year and a less than a month later after I broke up with him he met his high school sweetheart and immediately married the woman. Well, you can imagine how that hit like a ton of bricks. But before he was to marry this woman of his, I was invited over to his home to try to mend things together. Little did I know it was our last time together, our last night with one another in bed together, my last time to feel his flesh next mine. His warm lips upon my lips, and the warm hugs and the love I gave him with little things I did. I was a little suspicious of his bedroom, but I was not sure. I guess I was in denial, at times he seemed distant and it was something I looked back on and think what an idiot I was. But you can't turn back time... Dammit! Break ups with neighbors are the worst, I suggest that you don't ever date your neighbor. To endure the day to day sights of a man who you once loved so much it tore deep into the soul of your heart that it was kept there. Then to see him with someone else so fast that your heart is torn into tiny bits, and he knows it, and the sad part is that he gets satisfaction out of your heart break. Life goes on, it goes on slowly and carefully. A new day is upon us all the time, why can't I just see that, why is it so hard to just blank it out completely? I'd be a happier woman if it was a blank page again, without any memory of a man I loved so deeply. There's always a possibility that tomorrow is going to be a better day than today, I just hope that my ex boyfriend's life will be miserable and never happy. I hope all the worst for him, just because I'm bitter toward the old man, he doesn't have a heart anyway, so why not feel this way? Why not? I am just gonna go with it, with the thoughts for him to be worse and worse, and worse than he ever thought it be. I however hope that he will feel the heartbreak as I do one day, but ten times worse than mine, it will be a blessed day when that day comes.