Each Day At Best

This morning was a very beautiful morning! I love Sundays, I love worshipping at my church it’s the only time I look forward to every week. We were given the message pertaining to the Book of Hebrews continuing on the subject on faith. There were some great points that needed to be brought forth to me. Faith is a word of stepping forward in a place that is uncomfortable and restless. For me it can be uncomfortable and distrustful, but God is continually working on me concerning faith. This morning I also made the commitment to carry on with Nasserite vow, the church had a communion and I didn’t do the communion for reasons of this vow. I prayed to God to draw me closer to Him through the decision I made, and in my heart I believe He will do what He will with me. I’m ready to take this journey with the Lord, I need to do this, and I am called to do so. I am not sure what the Lord has in store for my kids and I but it’s going to glorify Him in everything I do. Today is a good day, maybe tomorrow won’t be so great, but at least I have this day to enjoy the presence of my God. One more thing of this morning that defined my spirituality was the Beth Moore Bible study. The ladies in the study were so encouraged to really dive into our study for this season. I plan to, I want to really get into the Word of God and get restored. I believe this is my year to be so close to God it’s going to be something I’ll never lose from Him anymore. My lil family and I are gonna be so set for life, I can see the future for us. I have always seen the future for us, a home that we’ve always wanted, at least I dreamed of my kids to have each their own room. Me… well I’d have my own big room with my own king size bed with lots of soft pillows. With a big window looking out to a majestic view looking toward a lovely scene of wilderness and art. The art of Gods masterpiece would be the ultimate view. Oh yes, it’s going to be a lovely home life we will have together, and of course I will finally have the job of my dreams. Anyway, it’s my heart’s desire that I give to the Lord every time I dream of our future which is every day. Tomorrow is the first day of classes at the Fort Lewis College, I am so excited to start my classes. I am ready to get this semester over with and work toward receiving my degree. When all is said and done May will be here and I will finally walk to get my degree! How exciting, I have waited all my life it seems working toward this moment to happen. What a great adventure to get to this point of my life, I can’t help to feel this excitement for my work. My kids are excited too, they have witnessed me graduation day to get my degree and again they get to witness me again to get another degree. It’s the only thing that really gets my mind out of the gutter of thoughts and trash of someone I use to love. I am strong enough to get on and leaving everything behind me… finally. I am so relieved that I can look out and if I happen to see that ugly trailer I use to sleep in and live in from time to time and not be bothered. It’s each day that is healing me, the Lord is so good to me, to give me strength, to take all the thoughts and take them. I give the thoughts of bitterness and anger to Him, I place it at His alter and He takes it. It’s a relief when He takes it, because who knows how He is going to handle it for me. It’s way better than what I would do, my ways are little compare to the Lords. Needless to say I am satisfied with this day Denver Broncos lost today and the Colts won. My ex and his family are Bronco fans, so I’m pretty happy about the outcome of how the game went. I know tomorrow is going to be a good day because every day is Gods day

Reminiscing on stuff

Oh what a day of unexpected events, my son is eleven today! We ended up going sledding at the mountain and being with my kids, Payton’s friend came to join us. We also had my brothers kids come along with us too, it was a fun filled day. The passes were so pretty going toward Silverton, CO. I was thinking of renting out snow shoes at the college for this coming weekend or any other weekend after church. There were a lot of people at the mountain just enjoying family, enjoying one another in the cold weather of the mountain. I think if I start to be active in outdoor recreation here around Durango, I think I will be much better in mind and in soul. I want to be where Gods country is, I want to be out where the wilderness is and commune with the Lord. When we passed by up toward the Coal Bank Pass I was reminiscing of the time Steve and I went hunting. I loved that he took me hunting, we hiked and he showed me areas of where elk roam and how they live day by day. He is so interesting to listen to when he talks about hunting and his knowledge of the wilderness. I loved how he did his bugle calls and the sounds of his whispers in the woods. The last hunt we took was so fun, we ended up doing a quickie in the woods. It was the most fun filled moment of the hunt, I loved it, and most memorable. I wanted to do more hunts like that. But that will never happen with him again. You never know, I might have a relationship that will have moments such as what we had. I love taking chances in the open and enjoying the spontaneous feeling of naughtiness. I tell ya what I don’t claim no perfection in who I am, I fall short every day. I can’t help it, I am human being, and I love the fruits of certain sins and that is one of them. However, I love that country and I hope one day I will take hunting trips again with the one that I love. One that I will love the rest of my life and till the end, the one and only true love God will give me while I am still on this earth. Sometimes I miss Steve, I miss the way he looks at me with his piercing eyes, I miss the way he touches me on my body. I miss how I use to love him, how I’d just hug him and love him with kisses. Those are the moments I miss, but he never loved me back like that, never really adored me the way I should have been adored. I did things to him that he yearned for every day, sometimes I wish I could have just did them every night for him. Just because I truly loved him. Oh well, that’s what having a broken heart is all about, you have to let go of all the memories whether they were sincere or not. Sometimes I think that in our relationship he was sick of me, sick of the sex we had, maybe I started to get worn out for his interest. Who knows, I just need to get over it, if I could get into his mind I think I’d be very troubled. It probably tarnish my mind to where it would be ruined. I think I will reconsider on that thought. Those were my thoughts on my mind today, it’s funny how memories come up during a trip, during a family outing, to end up reminiscing of naughty times you had with your ex.

Compassion

It’s January 10, 2015 my son is 11 yrs old today, wow I am in awe with the fact that he is growing up so fast! Last night was a good night we went skating, and I got my exercise just skating and skating. It was fun! My brother and his beautiful family came to join us and gave Payton some gifts, something that my son loves is Legos. He’s so cute, he’s getting older in age and Legos are still his forte. Well I’m glad he hasn’t lost that, I think everyone should always be a kid at heart. That’s what makes you look younger, and not smoking and drinking helps too. This past week I followed through with compassion for someone in church and everyone who is going through cancer. Lately this has been something that’s been laid on my heart. I donated my hair and I also shaved my head bald in support for a friend of mine. This gal attends church with her beautiful family, her kids are about the same age as mine, and every Sunday I sit in the balcony and look down on her and her family. It’s always at that moment that my heart is moved with utter compassion and great love for her. I remember when God moved me, it was when Pastor Jeff announced Trish’s Cancer. I scoped her out, thank God she was there and me too! Because I don’t think that Sunday I was going to show up. But I did, I was in prayer for her as all the others in church were and God gave me the thought. I have talked about shaving my head throughout the year and donating my hair again, but at the time I think I told my boyfriend this thought. But he wasn’t for it, so I left it alone. Anyway, the thought came up again, this time it was a strong movement from God, and I knew it. I was filled with love, and I later signed up for prayer and fasting for this pretty lady. Her appearance was of a thin lady with no hair, always wearing a beanie hat, but her face is like an angel. Always so sweet, so beautiful with smiles, like nothing is bothering her. That’s when it hit me, I have to do this for her, I can’t explain it but it has to be done. Well, after service I went up to her and told her what had happened, I told her I had this thought in my mind and in heart that I have to shave my head to support her. She welted up in tears, I was in tears too. It was a comfort from both of us from God. The feeling was just too miraculous to ignore, I mean when two people can feel Gods presence of comfort, it’s amazing. Since then the thought had been pondering, and I did tell her I’d be praying about it. I did, and every Sunday God made sure to have Trish in my sight to remind me that I need to do this. Soon my day of fasting and prayer had arrived and that was the day I had to make my appointment to get this done. But I had to have the right person to do this for me. I needed someone who is in the same faith as me, someone who attends the same church as me, if possible. I needed to have someone to pray with me on the quest that was before me. God put it all together for everything to take place. I made an appointment and soon met with the hair stylist. She was so sweet and so kind, Gods kingdom did come on that day. We prayed together, He spoke to her to attend church again and assured her she was loved. It was amazing how God works, I know that the Lord is still working out things for my kids and I. There is no doubt that He is continually working out everything to benefit Him, His glory is going to shine through us. The Lord is healing my heart through this, I remembered I prayed a prayer to Him about me. I asked and I believe I begged Him on this subject, I told Him and asked Him to use me. Use me in a way that will glorify Him, something that will honor to Him. He did. God answered my prayers, I am being used to comfort those who are sick, who need love, and also need comfort. Illnesses cannot be done alone, they need someone there to lean on. I want to be the one they can lean on, for prayer, for comfort, and for understanding. I often had thoughts of singing for the elderly who are alone in a nursing home. I’d like to do that one day, do something for them, whether it be through music or just being there to love them with hugs and just listen to them. Maybe do some needle work with them, walk with them and just be there for them. Hold their gentle hand for comfort, it’s the little things that make a difference in people’s lives. The comfort of a human being is worth more than a billion dollars in the bank. The compassion of one person can mean more than anything they will ever know. I wish we could all do that for everyone, even to the ones we are afraid of. If we look at people who tame a wild horse and break them, they break them with compassion and the unwillingness to give up on them. At the end the horse is comforted and it trusts the one who broke them, if we could do that for one another, oh what a wonderful world this would be. But if I can give comfort to the weak, then the Lord can intercede and do the rest in either saving their soul or restore their spirit again. We serve a Mighty and True God, He will reveal Himself to those who believe and have faith.

Life and it's course

It's been an absolute time in this new year, kids are off to school and I am getting ready for classes on Monday. Life is going on as planned, unsurprisingly as always. Nothing seems to change even with the New Year, funny how you expect the New Year to ultimately and drastically change for the better. But no, the time we have just works as the last year that has past. I am in awe of how fast time just flies, it flies so fast, I mean my son is going to be eleven years old on Saturday. It's too fast, then, then! I am going to be 42 years old next month... It's amazing how life grows and flourishes with age. I feel pretty good about my age, I'm getting better each year that passes. Although things here in the trailer park are the same... the ex boyfriend is still there next door with his new life. I guess he's doing well, it sucks to notice certain things, it sucks to live next to a jerk who is a total asshole. Excuse my language... Sometimes I blurt out words that are inappropriate. And as you will see in my posts there are going to be not so nice words coming out of the not so perfect woman that I am. I can't help but to be bothered by the view from my window, I wish there was some way to remove my view to a better one. You know like a prettier one such as a majestic mountain. Anyway, I am looking forward to graduating from college this May. I just wished it was tomorrow. Thankfully the days go by fast and the things we look forward happens so quick, then it's gone again. It's true that we are but a wave in the ocean, a wisp in the wind, we must live each day with value and expectations. Today is going to be a good day, I am going to turn in in my letter to the financial aid office to try and get my assistance for this semester, and also hear from the housing authority on availability. I do hope there is housing for my children and I, I'd be so overjoyed on the news if it was Gods Will. If it was not, I'd be ok too... That just means I'd have to bear down on my thoughts and chain them up. Instead, work on the release of my mind concentrating on work and taking in lectures. Reading books and researching articles if there are going to be any this semester. Also this semester I am going to try to study for my GRE for graduate school in either in the fall of 2015 or spring 2016 at Purdue University. It's funny how things work toward something unexpected, such as when I broke up with my boyfriend back in October the Purdue University recruiters came to the college. Anyhow, I never thought I was good enough to attend graduate school, I thought for sure it would be just a bachelor's degree. Nope... God proved me wrong on that, He brought recruiters to get me! Yes, I even told them my GPA was not up to par at all, but that didn't stop them to consider me. That is one of my endeavors I have to work on this semester, to work on my letters of recommendations and research professors on research projects. I was looking into the area of interest of Health Sciences, it's perfect in the career of interests of environmental public health. I am interested in working in safety in construction, such as the oil industry, and coal mines if possible. For some reason I know everything is going to work out as planned, as God is going to make it. Sometime along the way, there is going to be a man in my life again. I see him in my sights, although I don't know him, I haven't a vision of clarity, but I know he's in my future. It's my childrens desire to have a father figure in their lives, and it's mine too. Sounds crazy? Maybe... But I have a dream, I know God sees the desires of my heart and by golly I am going to delight in Him who sees it. Today and tomorrow will be a great adventure, and I know that the next door ex will always be there, but at least I have my God, my Lord Who has me.

My Rant, My Rave...

This is day two of my new year in 2015, I am not sure what the new year holds. But I know there has to be good things, there has to be great things in store, it has to better than last year. Last year was good, there were unexpected things that hit me like a ton of bricks. But thank God it happened at the end of the year, because the New Year was just around the corner. Right now there are thoughts, since my break up with my ex boyfriend in October my mind has been such a battlefield. I never knew that the battle within your mind can really make you miserable. I fight with thoughts day after day, and sometimes I cry, sometimes I scream while I drive down the road in my car. I'm a single mother of two and I am 41 years old attending college, and I am about to graduate with my bachelors degree in May 2015. I should be happy and ecstatic about my accomplishments, I am. The thing is with this break up is that we are neighbors... really sucks. When we first met, we met online through a website called Plenty O Fish (POF). At the time I didn't think anything of it at all, but we gradually hit it off, and it was great. At least I thought it was great, we were next door to one another and it seemed perfect. All to me seemed okay, but there was something missing that I was seeking in a man, like a return in attention, return in love, return in shouting out to the world that I was the one. He was not that kind of man I wanted, he was not a hopeless romantic, no compassion at all, he hated it when I cried, and he didn't like taking pictures with me. He just didn't fight for me enough, I like it when a man fights for me, if he really wants me in his life, he'll fight for me. What woman doesn't want that? A knight in shining armor, a man in moon kind of love. I fought a bit for him, but not at the end when we broke up and I wanted him back again. I missed him so much, and it's hard when you live next door to someone you love. After little over a year and a less than a month later after I broke up with him he met his high school sweetheart and immediately married the woman. Well, you can imagine how that hit like a ton of bricks. But before he was to marry this woman of his, I was invited over to his home to try to mend things together. Little did I know it was our last time together, our last night with one another in bed together, my last time to feel his flesh next mine. His warm lips upon my lips, and the warm hugs and the love I gave him with little things I did. I was a little suspicious of his bedroom, but I was not sure. I guess I was in denial, at times he seemed distant and it was something I looked back on and think what an idiot I was. But you can't turn back time... Dammit! Break ups with neighbors are the worst, I suggest that you don't ever date your neighbor. To endure the day to day sights of a man who you once loved so much it tore deep into the soul of your heart that it was kept there. Then to see him with someone else so fast that your heart is torn into tiny bits, and he knows it, and the sad part is that he gets satisfaction out of your heart break. Life goes on, it goes on slowly and carefully. A new day is upon us all the time, why can't I just see that, why is it so hard to just blank it out completely? I'd be a happier woman if it was a blank page again, without any memory of a man I loved so deeply. There's always a possibility that tomorrow is going to be a better day than today, I just hope that my ex boyfriend's life will be miserable and never happy. I hope all the worst for him, just because I'm bitter toward the old man, he doesn't have a heart anyway, so why not feel this way? Why not? I am just gonna go with it, with the thoughts for him to be worse and worse, and worse than he ever thought it be. I however hope that he will feel the heartbreak as I do one day, but ten times worse than mine, it will be a blessed day when that day comes.