Be Yourself

There is nothing greater than being yourself, all yourself. You shouldn't have to change for anyone, you are better than that. I had to learn so much about myself through the last 7yrs or so, nothing is easy. You have to work hard for the things that will benefit you at the end, I mean if you want a nice home and a two car garage you have to work hard to get it. It's not an easy road, sacrifice and discernment in your faith is key. I am so thankful I am where I am now, where I was before was a place of fighting for acceptance. A man does not do that for you at all.

The Lesser of me

My memory was good today, although the first thing in the morning Steve comes into my mind. My mind needs to take a dump and get torn apart then pieced together again, maybe, then maybe I will awake really refreshed. In the meantime it is a daily task to thinking properly, I use to pray every day to Jesus to clear my mind of thoughts. It worked for me and then I stopped again, it’s pretty frustrating when you start a habit and then stop completely. My problem is to keep on task on stuff I promised myself. “Tasks” what a concept, what a huge concept, it’s a word that hurts my brain. That and “organization”, oh yes I have another blog on this issue of my life, it may go hand in hand together. Never know, there may be a solution to the dilemma of this old bird’s crazy useless brain of hers. But this is good, I have an outlet to my thoughts and to my problem, which is a guy, an old mustered up old, old, old guy. I have to write these things down in order to convince myself there is nothing special about this man, except that God loves him as just as much as He loves me. I have to convince myself this man is nothing to me, these thoughts will eventually go away and in time Steve will stop thinking of me. If he could only stop thinking of me then I will be able to carry on in my life instead of having these minuet moments of thoughts in my mind. It’s funny though, the thoughts that occur in my mind are the negative things about him. It’s the things of how he treated me, there is no sexual thoughts of him. Sometimes there are the moments where I think of moments of just us, him holding me in his arms and me rubbing his big fat belly of his. Those were nice moments, but it is what it is, and now I have to channel myself to ignoring and displacing myself from those thoughts. I know there were loves in my life whom I’ve loved so deeply and when it didn’t work out I was dreary about it, I was depressed about it. In the end I was accomplished in letting go, finally letting go. But it was letting go when another man who stepped in, it was then where my thought pattern were no longer about the one who I use to love so deeply. It’s tough to forget the one you loved so deeply, it’s a difficult task to wipe memories away, and start all over again. When my ex-husband left me I was in total disarray, I did not function well at all. Depression set in and I was a total mess with myself, because I loved him so much, how was to carry on with life again? I ended up drinking heavily and not eating at all, drinking tons of water during the day and at night drink myself drunk in tears. I dropped down to a whopping 135lbs. when before I weighed in at a weight of 165lbs. People who he worked with at the time thought I was doing meth or crank. I remembered his boss’s wife came up to me sat beside me at the bar and whispered in my ear, “Are you on crank?” As I sat my beer down on the bar, I looked at her gently and said, “No sweetie, I am not, I am just not eating and I am depressed.” Whether she believed me or not, I didn’t care. Of course whenever I saw my ex he would look at me like I was on meth. He’d ask me, “What happened to you? Why have you lost so much weight?” I’d look at him and say, “I’m depressed, I don’t eat.” He just didn’t get what he did to me, he just didn’t understand what I was going through, he judged me by the way I looked and rumors were that I was a meth whore. Yeah it was really crazy at the time, I remembered it as clear as day, to this day I still remember the events that occurred. Then I met my daughters’ dad, he was the one who broke the broken heart I had from my ex-husband, he was the one who I fell desperately and utterly in love with. This love of mine I had for him was hurtful as well, I think now it was because I was so lonely and so desperate for a romance, a romance of passion and sacrifice from a man to fight for me. When this didn’t happened from him, I was very disappointed with the fact that he was a coward. He was a coward, he didn’t fight for his daughter and he didn’t fight for us. So I left, and went back the Navajo Indian reservation, and there it was 7yrs passed I was still in love with this guy and I could not get over him at all. I thought of him on a daily basis, I never lost the thoughts of him at all. I dreamed of him to come and find us and fight for us, but he never did. He just stayed where he was and he was possibly happy who knows, but it wasn’t until I met other men then dated them in Durango, CO and got on dating sites to meet more. This is where I met Steve, on a dating site called POF, which means Plenty of Fish! At the time we lived with my sister in the same trailer park, before we met on POF I had seen him living next door from us and I thought he was a handsome old guy. I was already intrigued with him, I was already scoping him out and asking my sister about her neighbor. Yea I was a goof ball, but it was what it was, I was a woman in search of true love. I didn’t want to wait anymore I just wanted a man to want me. When we first met, he sought me out, he was the one who made the initial contact, and I was at work at the time when I first got his message. When we started to message one another we realized we lived just a couple of steps away from each other. It was comical on how that whole thing worked out, I thought it was cute. Anyway we met that night outside his place and at the time he was living with his daughter and her husband along with his son. It was a tough time in his life, he was just getting things together in the lowest part of his life. He bought me beer that night, which I requested Newcastle beer. We sat outside on his son-in-law’s tail gate of his truck. We chatted and we laughed and we eventually made out that night. It was a full moon and it was so romantic, I remembered his eyes and his kiss, I remembered how it felt in his arms that night. It was so nice to be close to a man, an older man. At that moment I was no longer thinking of the man who I was deeply in love with anymore. I was about to embark on another love that would take the place of a hurtful heart carried for many years and a love built for this moment. Then again I was doomed as well, this thing called love is not the expectations of true love, and I chose the wrong man to love. Once again I was in the hands of a cowardly man at that, another man without the courage to tell me he didn’t love me until it was too late. Now I am carrying again this torment of an ugly man with an ugly heart with me, why do we do this to ourselves? 

Back to the Common Things... Like Thoughts

So lately I have had so many thoughts of Steve again, now and then his obscene face would just appear in my mind. Yeah this is the life of a mind that is out of control over this 50 something year old man. Oh the year passed since I have left Durango has been interesting, I graduated Fort Lewis College and I am now an Alumni 2015! Yeah baby, pretty proud of my long accomplishments. Now I am here in a place just North of Durango called Grand Junction, CO, I chose this place because I have always liked it here. I was raised in Moab, UT and on weekends my parents would travel to Grand Junction, CO for yard sales and for us kids it was McDonalds! Yes in that day and age there was no McDonalds near us, we were in Moab. There were only mom and pop café’s that served home cooked real food but for us kids we preferred the not so real food like McDonalds. Anyway it was a real treat to travel each weekend to Grand Junction, CO and just drive around and search for yard sales and look into thrift stores. So in any case I chose Grand Junction to be our new home, our first pit stop was at my dad’s house in Moab but I got too ansy in the pantsy. So we moved here instead, my children are attending school here and I am working in a place that is not to my degree, but in any case I love my job. I work at a dry cleaning and laundry facility and I do lots of stuff in the work place and I am really learning about people’s needs. Things such as helping the ones who can’t help themselves and also learning from people from all walks of life. For instance, this laundry facility is like a bar they come in and they wash their clothes laundry attendant asks how they are doing and then BOOM! They tell their story, the story of complications they are dealing with and the story of success and triumph. It’s a great place to learn the skills of compassion and empathy, as well as knowing whose blowing smoke up your ass. Yes there are people who do that, it’s inevitable, it never ceases in this world to meet people who will take you for a ride. Beware of the ware rabbits they are out there. There are miserable people and then there are happy people, I prefer them all. I like the people who come in and see us, the people who wash their clothes and those who want their clothes washed. I have to say I have been asked out on dates from time to time and they have not worked out at all. Of course they were customers and now they no longer come to the establishment again. Funny how things like rejection changes a person to no longer come back. It’s awkward, it’s uncomfortable to be around or see someone who is interested in you, but you yourself has no interest at all. Yes I have not found Mister right at all, not here and not anywhere. I do know this, my mind has not given up on thoughts of Steve. That is my crutch, I seem to be lacking the thing that separates me from the memory of Steve. Maybe I’m using him as an excuse to not be in a relationship or be in an intimate one. All I know is that day after day, after day after day he pops up in my mind. You know what they say when someone pops up in your memory they are thinking of you, I wonder if it’s because he is always thinking of me. My kids, even my kids bring him up from time to time. I really have to get a new brain, a new functioning brain that thinks new again. Right now I am not in the position of being in a relationship, sadly I am still hurt in the way Steve has treated me. I do not want to do that to myself again, even his family has seen the way he has treated me. They tell me what they see from the outside looking in and this has sort of affected me. Even his current girlfriend who really dislikes me has messaged me things about him and of me. I guess I could save this for another time, it’s a thing I have to unfold to keep my mind in check. I am never in check, I always make myself sad with thoughts and then I seem to get out of it at the same time. Since we have moved here it has been difficult to get back to myself again, we are still trying to settle down here in Grand Junction. Moving can be a trying thing in a life, it either fits or you either have to make it fit, I am in a position where I have to make it fit for my kids. I lack in all terms discipline, I am really not responsible in my short life. I haven’t gotten it all together and I feel sort of lost, my thoughts on a daily basis runs away with me. It’s frustrating to live with a mind that thinks garbage like Steve. I am dealing with it, it seems to help on writing about it, and someday it will get back to him on the various writings of him. And that’s ok, meantime I will just write to my heart’s content on the subject matter. Its good therapy besides running is concerned, I love running and I really love hiking, this is the area I am in tuned with. However my weight gain is a struggle each day, I was eating clean and now I am eating garbage. But I am still running and trying to do 5k and 10k runs as much as possible. For instance this month I am going to run my first 10k run! Yes, a 10k run for me it is going to be at the Needles looking at scenery consisting of the Newspaper Rock. In my whole life being raised in Moab, UT have I ever seen the Newspaper Rock, but this month I am going to enjoy the time running through the scenery of the area. My training time is not that great but I continue to run as much as possible. Here where we live it is close to the Colorado National Monument and it has been so beautiful to see the beauty of the land. There are plenty of mountain bike riders and hikers galore, it’s not that hot here and the heat is comfortable for me. When we first got here it was unbearable but as time passes it has been good. I believe once my body is completely use to this area I am going to be back to myself old again. My dreams of getting my Master’s degree is not far from my mind and it will happen in time, I just have to get this garbage thoughts out of my mind and back where it needs to be. This is good for me, it’s a step in the right direction for me to conquer the past into a fresh future. Telling my story is the best therapy, it may make me sound like a goof ball and maybe crazy but it is essential for me to keep writing it all out. Steve is just the first thing that has to go, completely. New mind and a new memory to be accomplished!